I am sad because I know that I will never have intimate contact with another human being and I am only 48 years old.
I know this because I am fat and my husband doesn't love me anymore but he is too stubborn and perhaps lazy to leave. And I am beaten down and ugly and don't care anymore.
Bravery is ending it.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Letter to my husband:
When my father was 53 years old, he sat me down and told me about his will. He told me that wills were important. I was 15. He explained to me how they work. He explained to me that it was important for him to have a will because if anything happened to him, my mother would be OK. He told me that he was telling me because if for some reason, they were both gone, I would have to deal with it. At the time, I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear about my father dying or my mother dying. But it was necessary. Because everyone should have a will. For security. And when he died, even though the will was set up for my mother to have everything, legal issues still had to be dealt with. His signature had to be verified. The legality of the will had to be verified. It was not cut and dry. Even though they had joint bank accounts. When my mother died, even more legal issues had to be dealt with. It took a year to settle her estate. Half of which we benefited from. Some of which is in your retirement fund and mine.
This is all I have left from them. From my father working for 45 years. He made sure that my mother didn’t have to worry. That she had enough money to live out the rest of her years. I don’t want to be old and sick but if I am lucky enough to be old and healthy, I need to know that I will not have to worry about how I will live and vice versa for you in case I go first.
All of the drama surrounding your will tells me one thing – true or false – that you don’t care. That is what it means to me. That I don’t matter. That is what it means to me.
As for the Chris situation; it wouldn’t have mattered what we discussed. The outcome was going to be the same. You don’t know anything about the finances. That’s why you involved me. For no other reason. You want me to care and blame me for the way we are and that is not fair. I tried and tried and finally had to give up. That is the reality of the situation and any other insinuation from you is not going to fly. That is the truth. I will not back down from that. I am sorry if you cannot face that. I understand he is your son and you are in the middle but the truth is the truth. It is what it is.
I feel very alone but I am married. It is supposed to be a partnership but I don’t feel like it is. I feel powerless and insignificant. I love you but I don’t know if you love me anymore. I don’t think you do.
I will forever be indebted to you for taking care of my mother.
If you think we should split up, I will move out. If you don’t, then we have stuff to work on.
I am very sad today and am fighting the need for a Cinnamon Bun.
When my father was 53 years old, he sat me down and told me about his will. He told me that wills were important. I was 15. He explained to me how they work. He explained to me that it was important for him to have a will because if anything happened to him, my mother would be OK. He told me that he was telling me because if for some reason, they were both gone, I would have to deal with it. At the time, I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear about my father dying or my mother dying. But it was necessary. Because everyone should have a will. For security. And when he died, even though the will was set up for my mother to have everything, legal issues still had to be dealt with. His signature had to be verified. The legality of the will had to be verified. It was not cut and dry. Even though they had joint bank accounts. When my mother died, even more legal issues had to be dealt with. It took a year to settle her estate. Half of which we benefited from. Some of which is in your retirement fund and mine.
This is all I have left from them. From my father working for 45 years. He made sure that my mother didn’t have to worry. That she had enough money to live out the rest of her years. I don’t want to be old and sick but if I am lucky enough to be old and healthy, I need to know that I will not have to worry about how I will live and vice versa for you in case I go first.
All of the drama surrounding your will tells me one thing – true or false – that you don’t care. That is what it means to me. That I don’t matter. That is what it means to me.
As for the Chris situation; it wouldn’t have mattered what we discussed. The outcome was going to be the same. You don’t know anything about the finances. That’s why you involved me. For no other reason. You want me to care and blame me for the way we are and that is not fair. I tried and tried and finally had to give up. That is the reality of the situation and any other insinuation from you is not going to fly. That is the truth. I will not back down from that. I am sorry if you cannot face that. I understand he is your son and you are in the middle but the truth is the truth. It is what it is.
I feel very alone but I am married. It is supposed to be a partnership but I don’t feel like it is. I feel powerless and insignificant. I love you but I don’t know if you love me anymore. I don’t think you do.
I will forever be indebted to you for taking care of my mother.
If you think we should split up, I will move out. If you don’t, then we have stuff to work on.
I am very sad today and am fighting the need for a Cinnamon Bun.
Monday, August 10, 2009
My weight went up five pounds in three days. I can't remember what I could have possibly done for this to happen. I know a girl I work with is going to ask me to go for lunch today. I want to but I know if I keep abusing food because I am depressed, I will just get more depressed.
I am seeing a Naturopath in Toronto at the end of the month. I really need some help hormonally. Yep, this from the girl who said
"NOT ME - I AM NOT GOING ON HRT! I WILL DO IT WITHOUT IT! I AM STRONG! DIET AND EXCERCISE IS THE KEY!"
Yeah....right.
I am seeing a Naturopath in Toronto at the end of the month. I really need some help hormonally. Yep, this from the girl who said
"NOT ME - I AM NOT GOING ON HRT! I WILL DO IT WITHOUT IT! I AM STRONG! DIET AND EXCERCISE IS THE KEY!"
Yeah....right.
Monday, August 3, 2009
I just read a post on another blog I read regularly about a tragedy. A blogger's mom got hit by a car and it made me cry and think about my mom. I think that it doesn't matter how or why but if that happens to you, it's devastating, and I don't know what would make you feel better.
Today is a holiday in Canada. I am supposed to be cleaning. Hmmm. That may happen. It may not.
Today is a holiday in Canada. I am supposed to be cleaning. Hmmm. That may happen. It may not.
Cleansing
Cleansing.....
I am on a 24 hour water only fast.
Then I will eat raw, mostly organic foods for two days.
Then I will do a nine day Isagenix fast.
If I am still alive, I will recount my findings. I should have weighed myself. Maybe later today I will get out the tape measure.
The pain in my side is back, but it's nothing because that 's what the doctor said.
I am on a 24 hour water only fast.
Then I will eat raw, mostly organic foods for two days.
Then I will do a nine day Isagenix fast.
If I am still alive, I will recount my findings. I should have weighed myself. Maybe later today I will get out the tape measure.
The pain in my side is back, but it's nothing because that 's what the doctor said.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
